What Experienced Homeschool Moms Wish They Knew at the Beginning

ByHomeschool OT

When you first begin homeschooling, there is no shortage of advice. This is especially true when homeschooling neurodivergent learners.

People tell you which curriculum to buy, how to schedule your day, what your child should be learning at each age, and how to know if you’re doing enough. Some advice comes from experienced homeschoolers. Some comes from well-meaning friends and family. Some comes from the voice in your own head that wonders if you’re making the right decision.

Questions seem to follow you everywhere. Will my child fall behind? Will they make friends? Am I teaching enough? What if I miss something important? Even those of us with backgrounds in education or child development can find ourselves wrestling with the uncertainty that comes with taking responsibility for our children’s learning.

In Episode 99 of The OT Is In Podcast, I sat down with my friend Colleen Kessler of Raising Lifelong Learners to reflect on what we wish we had known when we first started homeschooling. Between us, we have decades of homeschooling experience and children with different learning styles and needs. We also have several graduates who have moved on to college, careers, and adulthood. Looking back provides a perspective that is difficult to have when you’re in the middle of choosing curriculum, navigating difficult days, and wondering whether you’re doing enough.

What struck me most about our conversation was that many of the things we worried about early on were not the things that ultimately mattered most. The curriculum choices that once felt critical became far less important over time. The questions that seemed urgent often resolved themselves. Instead, the lessons that stayed with us centered around understanding our children, trusting our instincts, protecting relationships, and recognizing that learning is rarely as linear as we expect it to be.

Many of the things we worried about early on were not the things that ultimately mattered most. The curriculum choices that once felt critical became far less important over time. The questions that seemed urgent often resolved themselves.

If you are new to homeschooling, I hope this conversation gives you confidence. If you’ve been homeschooling for years, I hope it offers reassurance. Either way, I think you’ll find that many of the challenges we face as homeschool parents are not unique to us. They are part of the journey of raising children, helping them grow, and learning right alongside them.

Trusting Your Instincts WITHOUT Going At It ALONE

One of the themes that surfaced repeatedly throughout my conversation with Colleen was the importance of trusting your instincts as a parent. Interestingly, some of the most difficult seasons in her homeschool happened when she stopped listening to what she knew about her own children and started worrying about outside expectations instead. When she focused on what other children were doing, what schools were doing, or whether her children were “behind,” she often found herself pushing programs and approaches that weren’t actually serving her family well. In contrast, the times when learning flowed most naturally were the times when she paid attention to the child in front of her and adjusted accordingly.

This doesn’t mean homeschooling in isolation or ignoring expert guidance. In fact, one of the challenges parents face today is that there is more information available than ever before, and much of it seems to conflict. Parents often hear about the importance of early intervention and the benefits of addressing challenges as soon as possible while the brain is highly adaptable. On the other hand, we know that children develop at different rates, and excessive pressure can increase stress, frustration, and dysregulation.

This reminds me of the Accept and Expect framework we discussed in Episodes 86 and 87. Acceptance is not lowering expectations or giving up on growth. It is accurately recognizing where your child is today, including their strengths, challenges, interests, and developmental needs. Expectancy means believing they can continue to grow and learn over time. Trusting your instincts often happens in the space between those two ideas. We gather information, seek wise counsel, learn from research, and then thoughtfully consider how it fits our child, our environment, and our goals. The goal is not to choose between research and instinct. The goal is to use both as we make decisions that support the child in front of us. You can listen to those episodes here (86) and here (87) if you missed them!

The Pressure of Falling Behind

Both ideas contain truth. Research on “goodness of fit” suggests that outcomes are influenced not simply by the child or the environment alone, but by how well the environment responds to a child’s unique characteristics and needs.

One of the greatest sources of anxiety for homeschool parents is the fear that their child is falling behind. We compare our children to grade-level standards, to friends’ children, or even to our own expectations of where they “should” be by now. This becomes especially complicated when raising neurodivergent children because development is often asynchronous.

A child may be several years ahead in one area while simultaneously needing additional support in another. For example, they might be discussing advanced scientific concepts or solving complex math problems while still struggling with handwriting.

One of the greatest sources of anxiety for homeschool parents is the fear that their child is falling behind. We compare our children to grade-level standards, to friends’ children, or even to our own expectations of where they “should” be by now. During our conversation, Colleen pointed out that this becomes especially complicated when raising neurodivergent children because development is often asynchronous. A child may be several years ahead in one area while simultaneously needing additional support in another. They might be discussing advanced scientific concepts, solving complex math problems, or demonstrating remarkable creativity while still struggling with handwriting, written expression, organization, or emotional regulation. When we view development through a single lens, it is easy to focus on what appears delayed and overlook the strengths and growth that are happening elsewhere.

This is where nuance becomes so important. There are certainly times when a child needs additional support, intervention, accommodations, or direct instruction. There are also times when a skill is still developing and simply needs more time, experience, and opportunity to mature. Distinguishing between those situations is rarely straightforward. It requires observation, reflection, and often a willingness to look beyond age-based expectations. Rather than asking, “Is my child behind?” a more helpful question may be, “What is getting in the way of this skill, and what support would help them take the next step?” When we shift our focus from comparison to understanding, we are better able to recognize both our children’s challenges and their potential, allowing us to respond in ways that support growth without creating unnecessary pressure.

Rather than expecting immediate independence, focusing on the next right step might mean providing guided support during the writing process or breaking a larger task into smaller pieces.

Every Child Will Have Gaps

One of the challenges of homeschooling is deciding when to step in and when to wait. During our conversation, Colleen shared that some of her children appeared “behind” in writing when compared to age-based classroom expectations, despite being advanced in other areas. From an occupational therapy perspective, this is not unusual, especially among twice-exceptional and neurodivergent learners. Writing is not a single skill. It requires the integration of fine motor skills, visual processing, working memory, language, planning, organization, and emotional regulation. When one of those underlying skills is still developing, written output often becomes the visible struggle.

The nuance lies in determining what the next step should be. Sometimes the answer is additional support. Sometimes it is direct instruction. Sometimes it is simply more time. Rather than expecting immediate independence, both Colleen and I have found it more helpful to focus on the next right step. That might mean building handwriting fluency before expecting lengthy compositions, providing guided support during the writing process, or breaking a larger task into smaller pieces. This approach mirrors the Gradual Release of Responsibility model we often discuss on the podcast. Before a child can work independently, they often need opportunities to learn alongside us, practice with support, and gradually take ownership of the skill.

In practice, this often looks like:

  • Allowing a struggle to exist without immediately assuming something is wrong.
  • Looking beneath the surface to identify the underlying skills involved.
  • Focusing on the next developmental step rather than the final outcome.
  • Modeling and working alongside a child before expecting independence.
  • Adjusting support while maintaining expectations for growth.

When we approach learning this way, gaps become less threatening. Instead of seeing them as evidence of failure, we can view them as information that helps us determine what support a child needs next. Over time, children not only develop new skills, but they also learn something equally important: how they learn. That self-awareness allows them to seek resources, ask for help, and continue growing long after they leave our homeschool. Ultimately, the goal is not to raise children who know everything. It is to raise lifelong learners who know how to keep learning.

When we approach learning this way, gaps become less threatening. Instead of seeing them as evidence of failure, we can view them as information that helps us determine what support a child needs next.

This is where nuance becomes so important. Sometimes a child needs additional support or direct instruction. Other times, a skill is still developing and simply needs more time, experience, and opportunity to mature.

OT is IN #99: What I wish I knew as a new homeschool parent of a neurodivergent learner

We’re taking a clear look at what it really means to trust your instincts as a homeschool parent—while also navigating the pressure to measure up to systems and expectations that don’t fit your child or your family. You’ll hear directly about how to recognize when outside pressures are pulling you off course, how to distinguish between real needs and the fear of “falling behind,” and why embracing a flexible, child-centered approach leads to more meaningful learning and stronger relationships.

This isn’t about finding a perfect method or escaping all doubts. It’s about understanding that your context, your family, and your child’s unique development are the true foundation of a successful homeschool—no matter what anyone else says or what the comparison trap tries to tell you.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

  • Starting the Homeschooling Journey
  • Initial resistance to homeschooling
  • Searching for alternatives (private school, crunching numbers)
  • Detail on work-life balance while freelancing and parenting
  • Using existing first grade workbooks during transition
  • Early attempts to find community without social media (library searches, bulletin boards)
  • Evolving Homeschool Methods
  • How long initial workbook approach lasted
  • Balancing working from home and homeschooling with help from a babysitter
  • Challenges with babysitter’s reactions and eventual switch to deschooling
  • Move to field trips, classes, and experiential learning
  • Gradual phasing in of curriculum “scaffolding” method
  • Continuing to phase in/out curriculum as a tradition
  • Trusting Parenting and Teaching Instincts
  • Distinguishing between teaching background and homeschooling instincts
  • Times when teaching background hindered home education
  • Responding to outside pressures versus trusting instincts
  • Emphasizing adjustment based on child’s needs and family environment
  • Reflection on how “dumping” too much at once lead to family stress
  • Handling Negative Feedback and External Judgment
  • Early defensiveness vs. later confidence
  • Types of critics: curious, concerned, and judgmental
  • Strategies for responding to each group
  • Personal stories: teacher confrontation, family and community criticism
  • Key refrains: “This is what’s best for our family”
  • Importance of openness and humility
  • Homeschool Comparison and the “Falling Behind” Fear
  • The tendency to compare progress to age/grade norms
  • Asynchronous development in neurodivergent and gifted kids
  • Prioritizing relationship over academic performance
  • Gaps in learning (examples: writing, citation skills)
  • Handling gaps as part of a lifelong learning process
  • Reflections on Regret and Parental Imperfection
  • Children pointing out what they missed in homeschooling
  • The inevitability of regrets in all types of schooling and parenting
  • Maintaining parent-child connection as a core value
  • Advice: make the best decisions possible in the moment
  • Socialization and Relationship Building
  • Addressing the “socialization” question—a common concern for homeschoolers
  • Early strategies for finding peers and forming friendships
  • Role of extracurriculars (e.g., theater, Girl Scouts) and neighborhood connections
  • Impact of the pandemic and moving on social opportunities
  • Specific challenges for neurodivergent kids and non-joiners
  • Importance of parental initiative in finding opportunities
  • Distinction between opportunity and outcome in forming friendships

Links and Resources From Today’s Show

Thank you to our title sponsor for this episode, Lovevery. You can check out their products and resources here.

Connect With Our Guest, Colleen Kessler

Colleen Kessler is an author, educator, podcaster, and international speaker known for her strengths-based, child-focused approach to homeschooling. She specializes in the social and emotional development of neurodivergent children and helps parents understand and support their children’s unique learning, emotional, and developmental needs.

Colleen empowers families to build connection, confidence, and a lifelong love of learning at home. Learn more and connect with her community at raisinglifelonglearners.com.

This episode is essential for understanding the challenges and triumphs of homeschooling, especially when it comes to homeschooling neurodivergent learners.

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