Navigating Social Pressures, Masking, and Expectations

ByHomeschool OT

You might notice your child doing great at school—listening, following directions, and keeping it together all day—only to melt down the moment they walk through the door. From an occupational therapy perspective, that’s not a failure. It’s often their nervous system’s way of finally letting down its guard after a full day of trying to “fit in,” manage sensory input, and meet all the social and academic expectations that come with being a kid.

This week on The OT is IN podcast, Liz Downing and I, your host Sarah Collins, talk about exactly this—how social pressures shape the way kids participate, connect, and cope, and what we can do to support them from an OT point of view.

Recognizing the Load

First, it’s important to recognize the incredible job our kids do just showing up each day. Liz pointed out, today’s children, whether in traditional school or homeschooled environments, are often overscheduled and under-rested. Even opportunities meant to enrich—the co-ops, the sports, the activities—can add to the pressure. When kids hold it together all day, masking their true selves to belong or to meet expectations, it’s exhausting for their minds and bodies.

Responding with Empathy

When your child comes home dysregulated—perhaps bouncing off the walls, melting down over small things, or suddenly louder than ever—it’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s likely a sign that your home is their safe place to let out all that pent-up stress. As Liz shared, in those moments, the best thing we can do is “be the regulated brain” for them. Offer connection before correction. Sometimes, that means offering a snack, a hug, or simply letting them decompress quietly nearby while you go about your routine.

Building Awareness and Skills

But what about helping our children build the skills to eventually manage these pressures? This is where Liz’s approach shines: Start with awareness. Practicing in calm, connected moments—naming feelings and bodily sensations, reflecting on what helps us feel better—gives children (and adults!) the tools they’ll need to manage stress in the future.

One way to begin these conversations is through stories. In A Chameleon Tale, the picture book I co-authored with Jackie Adrian, we use color and character to help kids build a shared language around sensory processing—making it easier for families to talk about what different environments and experiences feel like in the body. This shared language lays the foundation for self-awareness and emotional growth.

Like with any new skill, growth in emotional regulation is a gradual process, not a switch to flip. Liz emphasizes tracking the gap between expectations and your child’s current capacity, scaffolding new skills gently rather than expecting sudden leaps. Whether your child is just learning to name their feelings or is ready for more independence, meeting them where they are and moving forward together brings the best, most sustainable growth.

Permission to Be Authentic

The goal isn’t perfection, or forcing our children to fit into every social mold. It’s about nurturing their authentic selves, while gently and thoughtfully supporting their growth toward independence. The world may expect our kids to adapt to every environment seamlessly, but Liz reminds us—the most important thing we can provide is a safe place to be themselves, to rest, and to recharge.

So, as you face after-school meltdowns, emotional afternoons, or uncertain moments in your child’s social world, remember: You aren’t alone. Every family has their version of “organized chaos.” Every child is building resilience—even (and especially) on the messy days. With compassion, patience, and a willingness to walk beside them, we give our children the foundation and the permission they need to grow into their best, most authentic selves.

Encourage exploration. Allow room for rest. And celebrate the small wins—both yours and theirs—every single day.

OT is IN #81: Understanding Social Pressures and Masking in Kids

I sat down with Liz Downing, a pediatric occupational therapist from Wilmington, Delaware, whose passion for nature-based therapy and supporting children’s emotional and sensory needs shines through her practice, In the Woods OT. We first connected at the American Occupational Therapy Association conference, where we bonded over our shared interest in helping children navigate social and environmental pressures.

In this episode, we dig deep into the realities kids face both in traditional school settings and beyond. Including overwhelming schedules, academic demands, and the increasing lack of unstructured play. Liz explains how children—especially those who are neurodivergent, often feel compelled to “mask” their true selves to meet external expectations, and how this can take a real toll on their nervous systems and emotional well-being.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

  • Introduction of Liz Downing
  • How Sarah and Liz met (AOTA conference)
  • Liz’s professional background: pediatric occupational therapy, hospital-based experience, transition to nature-based OT
  • Liz’s family background and experiences traveling during COVID
  • Founding of “In the Woods OT” (nature-based practice in Wilmington, DE)
  • Focus on emotional regulation and supporting both kids and parents
  • Defining Social and Environmental Pressures
  • Explanation of “social pressures” and “environmental pressures” from Liz’s perspective
  • Primary struggles observed in children, especially in school environments
  • Growing expectations placed on children (school duration, structured activities, reduced unstructured play)
  • The adult perspective: cultivating compassion and re-evaluating expectations for children
  • The Concept of Masking in Children
  • Definition of masking, particularly among neurodivergent children
  • Attempts by children to “fit in” or meet external expectations at the expense of authenticity
  • Emotional and psychological impacts of masking: shame, energy drain, and exhaustion
  • The daily versus occasional need to “wear a different persona”
  • Comparison to adult experiences of situational masking
  • The Neuroscience of Masking and the Nervous System
  • The nervous system’s “safe/connected” versus “protected” (fight/flight/freeze) modes
  • How masking keeps kids in a protected, energy-draining state
  • Physical and emotional consequences: fatigue and aftermath (e.g., after-school meltdowns)
  • The parent’s role: understanding, empathy, and recognizing dysregulation
  • Parental Strategies for Supporting Dysregulated Kids
  • Managing after-school meltdowns: recognizing the need for reconnection and restoration
  • Practical strategies: providing snacks, space, co-regulation, and minimizing choices when overwhelmed
  • Importance of parental regulation to support the child
  • Balancing support with age-appropriate expectations
  • Avoiding perpetually low expectations; instead, nurturing growth and capacity
  • Practicing body/sensory awareness in regulated moments
  • Building emotional language and self-awareness in children for proactive regulation

Links and Resources From Today’s Show

Connect With Our Guest, Liz Downing

Liz Downing is a pediatric occupational therapist with 17 years of experience supporting kids and families across hospitals, early intervention, schools, and private practice. She now runs In the Woods OT, a nature-based solo practice in Wilmington, DE, with a focus on emotional regulation and whole-family support. Outside of work, she’s a wife, mom to three awesome kids, and a new dog mom to a rescue mini poodle.

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