Building Connection Through Language

Supporting our kids through social-emotional challenges often feels less like following a calm, clear-cut plan and more like orchestrating a beautifully chaotic household. Just like our co-op handicraft sessions—where projects, ages, and abilities jostle for space—helping our children build skills for connection and compassion through language can be messy, nuanced, and full of learning moments for us all.

Rethinking Communication: From Commands to Collaboration

Declarative language is more than just a new tactic. It’s the difference between barking “Put on your shoes!” and pausing to say, “It’s time to get ready to leave. I’m putting on my shoes now—I wonder how you’ll get ready?”

On paper, it’s a shift from “do this now,” to “here’s what’s happening and how I feel.” In real life, it’s an invitation. It’s modeling the inner dialogue we hope our kids will learn: reflecting, noticing, wondering, and problem-solving for themselves.

For kids who face the world with extra sensitivity, anxiety, or stress—autistic kids, those with ADHD, or anyone feeling overwhelmed—this approach can help turn down the pressure. Declarative language doesn’t demand compliance. Instead, it draws kids into shared problem-solving, giving them space to notice their own feelings and needs.

What Does This Sound Like in Your Living Room?

Here’s what you might hear when using declarative language at home:

• “I notice your hands are in fists. I wonder if you’re feeling tense.”
• “Hmm, I’m trying to remember what we usually do when the timer goes off.”
• “It looks like you’re getting frustrated. I wonder what might help.”

Just like adapting handicrafts for different skill levels, declarative language can be tailored for your unique household. Sometimes you’ll need to be direct—especially when safety’s at risk (“Stop, there’s a car coming!”). But for most moments, let declarative language be your default, layering in invitations, observations, and modeling curiosity.

When the goal is connection, not just compliance, you’re building social-emotional “muscle memory” for life.

Encouragement for the Messy Middle

No two households—or kids—are alike. Some days, your best effort will still sound awkward. That’s okay! Even in her own home, swapping “do this now” for “I wonder” is a process, not a destination.

Here are a few ways to adapt declarative language for your family rhythm:

• Model your thinking: “I’m thinking we might need more time to finish this. Maybe we shift it to tomorrow?”
• Invite problem-solving: “I see puzzle pieces on the floor—what could we do about this?”
• Narrate, don’t judge: “I noticed you walked away when we started math. I wonder if something about it feels tricky today.”

And most importantly—be patient with the process. True skill-building happens over time, with plenty of stumbles and laughter along the way (just like the story of active listening with my husband, which resulted in giggles, not a perfect solution!).

Respecting Your Family’s Story

A beautiful takeaway is the reminder that strategies like declarative language aren’t “one size fits all”—nor are they a magic fix. They’re tools: for hearing our kids, responding with compassion, and collaborating as they grow.

And yes, there will be pushback—from kids, from ourselves, and sometimes from others who want to see evidence of authority. But as autistic advocates remind us, the real goal is connection and equipping our children to thrive in their own way.

“When we change our language, we change the interaction, and over time, we can change that relationship.”

So this week, choose one moment to shift from command to curiosity. Narrate a thought, wonder aloud, and notice your child’s response. With every small step, you’re building skills for a lifetime—together.

OT is IN #66: Shifting From Compliance to Connection: The Power of Declarative Language in Supporting Kids

We’re exploring a simple yet transformative shift in how we communicate with children facing social-emotional challenges: using declarative language.

I’ll break down exactly what declarative language is, how it differs from giving direct commands, and why this small change can make a big impact on fostering connection, self-reflection, and problem-solving skills in our kids. Drawing on resources like The Declarative Language Handbook by Linda Murphy and Communicating with Compassion by Bobbi Cook, we’ll share real-world examples, discuss both the benefits and the challenges of this approach, and bring in perspectives from autistic adults and parents.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Understanding Declarative Language
• The Importance of Declarative Language
• Encouraging flexible thinking, problem solving, and social awareness
• Practical Examples of Declarative Language
• Sample statements from Linda Murphy’s work (The Declarative Language Handbook)
• The Shift from Compliance to Connection
• Personal Reflections and Related Experiences
• Early exposure to these communication strategies
• Tips for Starting with Declarative Language
• Navigating Common Challenges
• Considering Neurodivergent and Autistic Perspectives
• Addressing Parental Concerns and Objections

Links and Resources From Today’s Show

• Why Should I Seek Occupational Therapy?
• When Declarative Language Doesn’t Work
• When Declarative Language Activates The Nervous System
• Declarative Language Handbook
• Communicating With Compassion: By Bobbi Cook
• Episode 16: Navigating the Interoceptive Sense: Insights and Strategies for Parents
• Episode 32: Homeschooling During Crisis: Finding Balance with Self Care and Family Support
• Episode 50: Ask The OT, A Special 50th Episode