Co-regulation
It’s been an awful day; the definition of awful day is different in every homeschool, but I can guarantee that we all have them.
The first question coming from our current culture is, how are you taking care of yourself? Looking at magazine covers and social media ads, you can interpret this to mean: “What money are you spending on yourself?” Though I do not believe the solutions from these magazine covers and social media ads are correct, the sentiment is. How we take care of ourselves as homeschool parents directs us in how to regulate or organize our bodies. This, in turn, allows us to co-regulate with our children.
Co-regulation is defined by Murray and Rosenbalm as “the supportive process between caring adults and children, youth, or young adults that fosters self-regulation development.”
Think of this example:
Six-year-old Ryan is happily working on a computer typing game; he’s a visual learner and motivated by screens. Eleven-year-old Kade walks in and asks him to play knee hockey; he’s a kinesthetic learner and needs continuous movement throughout the day. Ryan participates even though he doesn’t really want to. He starts the game but after about three minutes, he is not shooting and sprawls on the floor.
Kade feels frustrated. First, he again asks Ryan to play but receives no response. He’s escalating and begins to yell, “Get up and play.” Ryan continues to lay on the floor and yells back, “I am playing.” Frustration continues to mount, and they are both yelling now, which is distracting me and their fourteen-year-old sister.
I walk into the room. Ryan is now screaming from inside the closet. I know he is actively trying to self-calm by removing himself from the stimulation. Meanwhile, Kade is trying to get proprioceptive input (heavy feedback into the joints that actively calms the body) by banging his stick on the ground. If I choose to join in by yelling at them both, the situation will continue to escalate. I need to help them to calm themselves; this requires me to regulate my own frustration and the crisis caused by the yelling and distraction.
When we co-regulate with our children, we are part of the solution. The process includes:
1) modeling self-regulation skills—
I take a deep breath, sit down on the floor with my knees curled under me (proprioceptive input for myself) and sip from my straw. These three actions actively calm me, and the boys notice what I’m doing. This noticing is the first step in co-regulation.
2) structuring the environment—
I want the environment to be safe for them both to process their frustration. This means that Ryan is free to say no and not be pushed into an activity to satisfy his brother. It also means that Kade has alternatives to provide necessary active movement—a trampoline, scooter, bike, or swing. And there are clear, predictable points to the day and consequences for actions. Ryan choosing to move into the closet was a result of much focused attention in our home to create this structured, supportive environment. Kade eventually took a few deep breaths and moved outside to the trampoline for a few minutes.
3) provide a warm responsive relationship—
This requires communicating through words and actions. Both boys had valid frustrations. Neither of their sensory needs were being met and then the distraction became a problem to the others in the house. It’s important not only to identify all these sensory needs but also to recognize that no one person’s needs are more important than another’s. The situation de-escalated; Ryan self-calmed in his dark closet while Kade left to jump on the trampoline. Once their sensory needs were met, we could process the event and acknowledge that both their feelings and their bodily responses to those feelings were warranted. The reaction of yelling at each other and distracting others was, however, what needed to be adjusted.
To model self-regulation skills, we as parents must be able to self-regulate.
We need to know what sensory systems help alert us and which overwhelm. In this example, I modeled deep breathing, drinking from a straw, and sitting with my joints compressed. This self-regulation—self-care as the modern world has labeled it—also requires self-awareness. We need to be in tune to our own feelings of hunger, thirst, pain, and fatigue rather than ignoring those feelings.
This checklist from Sensational Brain will help you to identify your own sensory needs.
Homeschool OT can consult with you on identifying you and your children’s sensory needs, encouraging self -regulation skills into the homeschool day, and focusing on co-regulation.
Find out more about Homeschool OT consultation here.
References
Murray, D. W. & Rosanbalm, K. (2017). Promoting Self-Regulation in Adolescents and Young Adults: A Practice Brief. OPRE Report #2015-82. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Petrou, A. (2022). What Co-regulation Looks Like. Generation Mindful. https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/what-co-regulation-looks-like
Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-regulation Across Development: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services. This brief was funded by the Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration for Children.
